“I Know You”

Going to sleep New Year’s night 1994 seemed like any other ordinary night. I’d always loved that time between Christmas and New Year’s because it was a good reason to plot out new goals and hopeful beginnings. Making resolutions was a favorite past time, but this year was different. A cloud of despair and depression had fallen on me, and I was on the verge of suicide. Workaholism, broken relationships, a drive to be perfect and not feeling understood by anyone landed me on this path.

That’s when it happened, the most vivid and real dream I’ve ever had in my life. I was walking down a dimly lit corridor. Instinctively I knew that if I turned left I would live. If I went right I would die. I turned right believing I didn’t have anything to live for. I ended up at a bus stop with a dozen other people. The street corner was flooded by light from an old-fashioned street lamp.

Everyone else mingled as we stood there, but I began to feel anxious. Maybe I should have gone left, I told myself. Eventually a bus came along. A man in a crisply starched white, button-down shirt and khakis threw the bus in park, opened the door, and invited us to come aboard. His white hair reminded me of Albert Einstein, only neater. His kind features attracted me so I went closer to the bus. It was his eyes, though, that drew me in. They danced a brilliant blue and were alive. There was no doubt in my mind. This was God.

I took a window seat half way back on the bus as we went skyward. God explained the rules on our way to Heaven. I sat there listening, still thinking to myself, I should have gone left. I shouldn’t be here. I should have gone left! The next thing I remember was standing on bright colorful carpet that resembled the pre-school and kindergarten class variety. All around me people were playing with toys and enjoying themselves. I just stood there, though, frozen. I knew in my heart that I didn’t belong in this place.

From behind me I heard a voice call my name. “Paige, please come into my office.” I turned around to see the back of God returning behind a door. Oh no! God wants to talk to me! I dreaded what he would say. Maybe he’d realize I shouldn’t be there, would chew me out then send me back humiliated. I’d taken verbal abuse before, but I didn’t know if I could take it from him. Even though I had drifted so far from God, I still wanted him in my life – at least someday I did.

I took one step inside his office onto the plushest carpet ever. He closed the door as my feet sank into the comfort of my surroundings. Immediately my eyes took one fell swoop of the room. All along the walls were shelves and on each shelf were things that I had done during my life. There were baby pictures, trinkets that I collected, and trophies. I asked God, with surprise, what this was. He said with a gleam in his eye, “These are things that make me proud of you.

”This was not what I was expecting at all. Where was the accusation? Where was the condemnation? I was prepared for that, but not for this. As the tears fell, he beckoned me over to one shelf that housed a television and VCR. God popped in a tape and instantly I began seeing scenes of my life.

Again I asked him why he was doing this and again his response was, “These are the things that make me proud of you.”
“If you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me,” I said back to him between sobs. The reality of all I had done in my life hit me at that moment. I felt as far away from God as ever, and completely ashamed for what I’d done. Why should he be proud of someone who would only acknowledged his existence at church summer camps? And now, not even at all. Living with someone, arrogant, greedy for people’s compliments and success on my own terms. The list of wrongs went on and on in my head.

He took my face in his hands and ushered my gaze to fix on his. As I stood there looking into those blue eyes, he said with love in his voice, “Paige, I know you.”

I woke up with a gasp and sat straight up in bed. It was as if those words created a strange reaction in my body. Peace began pouring into me from the tip of my head to the tip of my toes like never before. All I could think was someone finally understands me and loves me anyway. I sat there a few minutes taking in all that had just happened. It was three o’clock in the morning, January 1, 1994. I lay back down and stared out the window, then drifted back to sleep.

It took me awhile to sort everything out. Had God really spoken to me in a dream? Did he truly know me and love me as I was? The dream confused me, but it had definitely heightened my awareness of God in my life. My personal life was still in shambles, but I had something I hadn’t had before the dream – hope. I now had hope of connecting with the One who said he knew me.

I developed an insatiable appetite to read the Bible and hear about other people’s encounters with God in their dreams. I also started going to church. I wanted to see if God could really be a constant for me. My journey toward God went on for nearly a year. I discovered in that time that He really does love me unconditionally and accepts me the way I am. He was quenching the deep thirst I had in my soul to be understood and loved without conditions. My heart was overwhelmed with amazement. It also dawned on me that if I made mistakes, God would not come after me to hurt me. I was a success in His sight because Jesus was living in my heart. In October of 1994, I renewed the commitment I had made as a young girl. I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ again and was baptized.

All along what I had been searching for was in Christ. That new beginning on January 1, 1994 was God’s New Year resolution for me: to get my gaze directly on Him. He has freed me from the bondage of seeking perfection and needing other people’s acceptance. His acceptance is sufficient. He knows who I am.

Paige M. Kolb
Norcross, GA

| Back to Home Page |